A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.
Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.
After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a li
HIGHWAY TO HELL - AUTOSTRADA NA HEL
NEVER ENDING STORY - BARDZO DLUGIE ZASLONY
DON'T MAKE A VILLAGE - NIE ROB WIOCHY
I TOWER YOU - WIERZE CI
DON'T TEAR YOURSELF - NIE DRZYJ SIE
GLASGOW - SZKLO POSZLO
GO OUT ON PEOPLE - WYJSC NA LUDZI
WITHOUT SMALL GARDEN - BEZ OGRODEK
I'M FROM BEEFTOWN- JESTEM Z WOLOMINA
UNIVERSAL PREGNANCY LAW- PRAWO POWSZECHNEGO CIAZENIA
BRAIN TIRE FIRE - ZAPALENIE OPON MOZGOWYCH
TO GO TO THE SECOND PAGE OF THE STREET - PRZEJSC NA DRUGA STRONE ULICY
DO YOU DIVIDE MY SENTENCE - CZY PODZIELASZ MOJE ZDANIE
HERITAGE OF PRICES - SPADEK CEN
TO MAKE THE PROFIT ON TIME - ZYSKAC NA CZASIE
RAILWAY ON YOU - KOLEJ NA CIEBIE
TO DIVORCE THE FACTS - ROZWODZIC SIE NAD FAKTAMI
CAN YOU THROW ME UP - MOZESZ MNIE PODRZUCIC
MY GIRLFRIEND IS VERY EXPENSIVE TO ME - MOJA DZIEWCZYNA JEST MI BARDZO DROGA
POST HIM SHOPING - WYSLAC GO NA ZAKUPY
LITTLE BUSINESS OF MOVEMENT - KIOSK RUCHU
FUGITIVE OF CIRCUMSTANCES
A boy and his girlfriend were at the movies. 'Can you see all right?' the boy asked.
'Yes,' answered the girl. 'Can you hear all right?' 'Yes' said the girl. 'And is your seat comfortable?' 'Very comfortable', replied the girl. 'Fine,' said the boy, 'would you
mind changing places with me?'
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold its trunk shut until it turns blue, and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
Close the door please. I'm dressing.
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
A young man comes before a customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"
James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
The First 3 Years of Marriage
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing I didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my book project.
This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around
drinking. Some of the old timers are telling jokes. One of them says
"Seventeen" and the other old timers all roar with laughter. A little later,
another of 'em says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler. Well,
the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals
next to him "What're these old-timers doin'?" The local says "Well, they've
been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to
save extra talkin' they've given 'em all numbers." The new fellow says
"That's mighty clever! I think I'll try that." So he stands up and says in
a loud voice "Nineteen!" Silence; everybody just looks at him, but nobody
laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What
happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" The local says "Well, son, ya just
didn't tell it right..."
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What on earth do you think you are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"
She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'